This year without a doubt has been the most challenging year for me in the 25 years I’ve survived.
The year started with my father meeting with an accident just three weeks before I was supposed to submit my undergraduate dissertation. I was at a conference being a part of the organizing committee when my sister called me to say that they were on the way to the hospital in an ambulance taking Thaththi to hospital. Just that morning, my father gave me the car and he took the scooter because he always wants us to have all the comforts. I got into the car, started the engine, but couldn’t move because I was crying and shaking. So I called one of the colleagues from the conference and two of them took me to the hospital.
Fast forward one week, Thaththi’s surgery was done but he could not do any of his work on his own. I had a dissertation to write and my sister was in the last few months of her exams, and my mother could not take any more leave. I spoke to my supervisor who happened to be the head of the department and she promised she’d buy me more time. But even 3 days before the submission date, I had not heard anything from uni, so amidst all other responsibilities, I stayed up three days straight to finish up the remaining three chapters. Life was chaos, but I managed to submit it just a couple of hours before the end of the deadline. Funnily enough, 2 weeks post the deadline, I get a call from the university saying that my deadline has been extended by a month. So what could have been at least an A-, ended up being a B+. As I always say, luck is never something that’s in my court.
So my father couldn’t work and I was in desperate need of getting a job to cover all our expenses: the rent, my sister’s tuition fees, bills, etc. I tried for months and applied for every job vacancy I saw and no one even bothered to call me for an interview. Then UNHCR called me for an interview for an internship which luckily was a well-paid one. But more than one month after the interview I did not hear from them and had given up on the hope. They finally called me in early April and asked to start from May. Then the Easter attacks happened and this got postponed to late May (talk about my luck!) and by this time my father could walk with two crutches.
Oh one good thing also happened in between. I was selected TFAS Hong Kong for which I had been waiting for so many years. So I had something interesting waiting for me in July (but little did I know that this would also lead me into misery). In the meantime, I started the internship and it was all okay.
Then came July and I must say, those three weeks were the best time of my life! But it was only until recently until I broke up with my boyfriend who I met at this programme. Now I wish I could go back and change my memory of everything, specially all the good times I had with him. After being single for years, I finally thought here was a man who was finally worth all my time, effort and care and unfortunately it all ended this way.
While all this was happening,I also got a permanent job at a well-known INGO. Though it has a good name on the CV, I do not enjoy what I do and the pay is shitty! So I juggle with 2/3 part-time jobs every month to earn some extra cash. The only thing I used to look up to everyday was talking to my boyfriend and now even that is not there.
Late in September I was sexually harassed by a man which I would not be able to forget as long as I live. Me, the strong independent woman I used to be has become so fragile now. I cannot go out alone at night because I still get jitters when a man passes by.
I have become emotionally fragile because I still love my ex-boyfriend. I don’t know why he had to text me again the same week my parents started looking for proposals for me. I began to think if the universe was sending me any signals, but when I think realistically, I think it’s not the case. Now I hate that he ruined the way I was coping up with the breakup and started to make me think about him all the time again.
2019, why have you been treating me this way? As far as I am aware, I have not hurt anyone to deserve this sort of treatment. Life, why can’t you be good to me at least once? I am tired of always being strong. I too need to enjoy life.
My thoughts 